It
was lunch time during the 2006 (Christmas party at my place of work) OGSM
event.
The
buffet table was a long one,
Variety
of foods ranging from local to intercontinental dishes sat on it.
All
around employees sat, eating.
I
was between my friends Macaulay and Segun on the queue, awaiting my turn at the
table.
I
tried remembering if I had been to a party
Where
close to 35 different cuisines were served.
None
came to mind.
Segun’s
voice snapped me out of my thoughts.
Bros, Na your turn
o. Abeg do quick jare!
It
was really my turn.
I
had been lost in my thoughts that I practically forgot myself.
Three
people were on the table at the time I got there.
Mahmoud
- an Egyptian, Clarence – a Cameroonian and Macaulay – tile tile ni yen ni tie.
I
eyed the table, thinking of what to order.
I
looked from the local to the intercontinental dishes, I was confused.
If
I took pounded yam I would feel sleepy, that was for sure.
If
I ate rice, it would be a repeat of what I ate in the morning.
Amala
and Semo were out of it, and I could not bring myself to eating just fruits.
I
looked around again and found that the local employees limited themselves to
local dishes.
Very
funny, I thought.
I
turned back to the table and watched Mahmoud and Clarence serve themselves.
As
I watched, a thought formed in my mind,
Why
not eat a combination of foreign dishes?
Hmm!
Nice idea I thought. And I set about
it.
I
moved to the table where the Intercontinental dishes were laid out and I started.
Four
spoons of Basmati rice,
Beans,
porridge and sweet potato soup, boiled peas and unleavened dough.
Boiled
olive fruits mixed with garlic and some other jargons that
I
neither could pronounce their names then nor remember their names now.
As
I was about leaving the table,
When
I saw Mahmoud pack some vegetable-like stuff into his plate, I did the same.
Whether na Ewedu Efo
green or Ugu, till today I no know.
My
friends looked at me as if I had just gone psycho.
I
just did not care; I smiled like the fool that I was and went to my seat.
Macaulay
and Segun came to sit beside me so we could eat together.
I
balanced like a chief and set myself upon my task.
I
perceived the aroma as I brought the first ‘base’ close to my mouth, and I
almost choked.
The
aroma? Kai!
Terrible!
Jesus! How do they
eat stuffs like that!!??
I asked myself.
I
looked around, saw people watching me, and I knew I was in trouble.
I
knew I had to eat the meal - by
force.
Another
thought quickly formed in my head.
I
could down every spoon with a drink and smile as if I have been eating the food
for years.
Hmm!
Great!
So
I ordered for a pack of juice.
For
every spoon that went into my mouth, I supported with a glass of juice.
After
about 7 spoons I was already as filled as a woman pregnant with twins.
Before
I stopped I decided to take a spoon of the mashed vegetables.
Pshew!
I blamed myself!
Which one make I
mention?
Shey na the grass
wey I dey munch like goat ni?
Abi na the taste
wey be like say dem put Robb for my tongue?
As
I stood from the table, my tummy made a rumbling sound, like the red sea
parting for the children of Israel.
Before
I could control myself I farted and Macaulay almost went crazy with laughter.
Segun
nearly choked on his food as he also started laughing.
When
I could hold it no longer,
I
ran into the toilet to empty my bowels.
It
felt as if the food went straight from my esophagus to my yansh
I
spent the rest of the afternoon in the toilet as my bowels continued to heave.
Even
when my colleagues were on the field for sports,
I
was practicing my own sport in the toilet.
I
will never forget that day lailai!
Even
when I attended another event where all the meals were purely foreign dishes, I
stuck to my table water.
It
took me another 2 years before I tasted any meal outside Nigerian dishes.
Even then I no dey
go pass Pizzas. Abi who wan enter trouble again?
As
for me I learnt my lesson the hard way, that
‘Awoof
dey run belle’.
